Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
he fucked my hip out of place.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Randomize
