I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
