I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
