What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
