if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
