fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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