6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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