dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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