so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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