He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
