I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
