You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
i believe in u and ur pee
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
