Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
