She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
