It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
