Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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