I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
