you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
