I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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