I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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