I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
