Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
