I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
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