I wish I could teleport
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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