just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
