Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Randomize
