I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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