The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
