I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
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