Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
