if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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