I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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