Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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