i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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