mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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