u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
