You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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