Hey man sorry I got all grabby
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
