Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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