I'd wear matching sweaters with you
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
