Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
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