All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
