I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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