Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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