you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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