I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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