at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
