Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Randomize
