im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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