I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
