Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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