Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
