I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
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