I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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